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Delly
I saw this a while ago, made me laugh so hard.

If your child masturbates, there are steps you can take to stop the problem. If your child doesn't masturbate, there are things you can do to prevent it.

1. Remove your child's bedroom door. Privacy is one of the leading causes of masturbation.
2. Monitor your family's use of the restroom. Not only will this prevent masturbation, it will prepare your teens for today's workplace, where corporations are stepping up their surveillance of employees' bathroom usage.
3. Throw away your television. There is absolutely nothing of value on television. Everyone should be reading their Bibles or working, not watching filth like Baywatch or Star Trek.
4. Control your child's reading material. Screen everything your child brings into the house. Do not allow anything even remotely stimulating. Get up early in the morning and go through the newspaper cutting out all of the pictures in the underwear ads. Burn them before your teenager wakes up.
5. Be sensible about the music your child listens to. There is hardly any music in existence that is really suitable, because anything with a "Rock," "Country" or "Gospel" beat to it (even if it is labeled "Christian!") is designed to incite sexual desire and summon demons from the Pit of Hell straight into your lovely suburban home. Practically all music CDs, tapes or MP3 files in your child's possession must be destroyed, especially if they are by pornographic "Rap-Hop" artists such as Garth Brooks, Britney Spears or Clay Aiken. Consider collaborating with your fellow churchgoers to turn the event into a wonderfully festive bonfire and prayer meeting!
6. Use corporal punishment. Spare the rod and spoil the child! Although outlawed by Socialists in many places, a good sound thrashing has always been the best cure for the unruly child.
7. Buy and use commercially available anti-masturbation devices. President Bush has made it one of the goals of the U.S. Department of Faith to fund private Christian companies to develop an effective anti-masturbation device for girls.
8. Understand your child's language. There are dozens of slang terms for masturbation in use by today's teenagers. You should be familiar with them. Click here for a list. There are many other lists available on the Web. Don't use these slang terms around your children! If you must refer to masturbation, use the term "self-abuse."
9. Scientifically test your children for signs of masturbation. The same liberal naysayers who insist we can't build a missile shield scoffed until they were bleeding when the Americans for Purity group revealed that scientists were hard at work on an test that would reveal signs of masturbation in your children, but it's here. TeenScreenTM scientifically detects a protein enzyme produced by the male prostate gland to reveal traces of semen on clothing, sheets, ceilings, keyboards, Saltines, etc. It apparently won't detect masturbation in girls (consultants assure the Bush Administration that females have no prostate glands, although the Bible suggests otherwise), but will uncover sexual activity in daughters by detecting traces of semen in panties, hair, etc. For additional security, you may easily buy a $10.00 microscope from Toys R Us and a $500.00 centrifuge from Fisher Scientific that will enable you (MALE CHRISTIAN PARENTS ONLY!!!!) to examine your son's urine for signs of the Sin of Onan. The slightest decline in a boy's urinary spermatozoa count should be met with instant and total humiliation (and hospitalization if possible).
10. Insist that your children wear boxing gloves to bed. Boxing gloves are nearly impossible to remove without assistance. If you do this you can sleep soundly, knowing that your children aren't on the other side of the wall touching their smelly little giblets in an impure fashion.
marie`
What site did you take it from
Delly
QUOTE(marie` @ Jul 30 2007, 09:39 PM) *

What site did you take it from

http://www.whitehouse.org/initiatives/purity/advice.asp
marie`
Fake lol, that cant be real...
Cody
ROFL at number 10
Bakay3r0
What the fuck Lol.



daughters by detecting traces of semen in panties, hair, etc. For additional security, you may easily buy a $10.00 microscope from Toys R Us and a $500.00 centrifuge from Fisher Scientific that will enable you (MALE CHRISTIAN PARENTS ONLY!!!!) to examine your son's urine for signs of the Sin of Onan. The slightest decline in a boy's urinary spermatozoa count should be met with instant and total humiliation (and hospitalization if possible).
Talk To Me70
My reading material of the day.
Mog
QUOTE(marie` @ Jul 31 2007, 11:45 AM) *

Fake lol, that cant be real...

Of course it's a fake site.
Ha Hexfire
LOL?
Bird09
Dam you Clay Aiken summoning demons from the Pits of Hell into my suburban home!
frank nng
lol, just tell the kitten story, that will work best:p
Redscum
QUOTE(Mog @ Jul 31 2007, 02:56 AM) *

QUOTE(marie` @ Jul 31 2007, 11:45 AM) *

Fake lol, that cant be real...

Of course it's a fake site.

Yeah, it's pretty obvious it's parody. Fucking lol though laugh.gif
Maxim
rofl.gif
Watta Hell
QUOTE(Eeeeee8 @ Jul 31 2007, 03:50 AM) *

ROFL at number 10

lmfao
Declan`
l0l
I Love U Now
i know its a joke, but is it actually a bad thing for "children" to masturbate?
Redscum
QUOTE(I Love U Now @ Jul 31 2007, 07:56 PM) *

i know its a joke, but is it actually a bad thing for "children" to masturbate?

No lol
Kikomonju
WEAR BOXING GLOVES TO BED LMFAO
Kikomonju
QUOTE(I Love U Now @ Jul 31 2007, 02:56 PM) *

i know its a joke, but is it actually a bad thing for "children" to masturbate?


You're under... hmm... 14 years old I'm guessing.
Zparanoid
QUOTE
9. Scientifically test your children for signs of masturbation. The same liberal naysayers who insist we can't build a missile shield scoffed until they were bleeding when the Americans for Purity group revealed that scientists were hard at work on an test that would reveal signs of masturbation in your children, but it's here. TeenScreenTM scientifically detects a protein enzyme produced by the male prostate gland to reveal traces of semen on clothing, sheets, ceilings, keyboards, Saltines, etc.


Ceilings!?! How the hell do they get cum on the ceiling? Must have abnormally large dicks or something ... biggrin.gif
pingu53
cut off their wee wee, problem solved in one foul swoop
Redscum
QUOTE(Zparanoid @ Jul 31 2007, 08:12 PM) *

QUOTE
9. Scientifically test your children for signs of masturbation. The same liberal naysayers who insist we can't build a missile shield scoffed until they were bleeding when the Americans for Purity group revealed that scientists were hard at work on an test that would reveal signs of masturbation in your children, but it's here. TeenScreenTM scientifically detects a protein enzyme produced by the male prostate gland to reveal traces of semen on clothing, sheets, ceilings, keyboards, Saltines, etc.


Ceilings!?! How the hell do they get cum on the ceiling?

Skills icon_cool.png
Dooms Hybrid
laugh.gif

QUOTE
TeenScreenTM scientifically detects a protein enzyme produced by the male prostate gland to reveal traces of semen on clothing, sheets, ceilings, keyboards, Saltines, etc.
Mr Tsr
l0l funny shit
Sluchie
that was funny
se2b
lmao that's awesome
R3nder
govteen forums is funnier lol
dub1992
lmao! rofl.gif rofl.gif
Adada
really liked #10 lol
Robbb
Too bad the White House's website is http://www.whitehouse.gov/ sad.gif
Mikevercetti
QUOTE(Zparanoid @ Jul 31 2007, 03:12 PM) *

QUOTE
9. Scientifically test your children for signs of masturbation. The same liberal naysayers who insist we can't build a missile shield scoffed until they were bleeding when the Americans for Purity group revealed that scientists were hard at work on an test that would reveal signs of masturbation in your children, but it's here. TeenScreenTM scientifically detects a protein enzyme produced by the male prostate gland to reveal traces of semen on clothing, sheets, ceilings, keyboards, Saltines, etc.


Ceilings!?! How the hell do they get cum on the ceiling? Must have abnormally large dicks or something ... biggrin.gif

As if saltines are any more normal? lolol

The best part was about the music.. SUMMONING DEMONS STRAIGHT FROM THE PITS OF HELL
Filed
i like the last one.. giblets LOL
smoressoccer
if my parents did that to me, id shit myself.
Hiqpo
LOL?
balistix0
10. Insist that your children wear boxing gloves to bed. Boxing gloves are nearly impossible to remove without assistance. If you do this you can sleep soundly, knowing that your children aren't on the other side of the wall touching their smelly little giblets in an impure fashion.

LOLOL
Sir Dare
l0l
haley610
LMao rofl.gif
King Josh 4
i could wank with boxing gloves on easy peasy embarassed(2).gif
Sk8r Mark123
LOL
denismage
QUOTE(R3nder @ Aug 9 2007, 06:12 AM) *

govteen forums is funnier lol


LOOOOL!!!


QUOTE
Anal sex, feels like?

QUOTE
Why dont you just try it so you can be the judge. Use a carrot with a condom and plenty of lube.. dont use a cold one use a room temp one.

rofl.gif rofl.gif rofl.gif

Also this: http://forums.govteen.com/showthread.php?t=223213

"Is it ok to suck yourself"
prinze joe
lol
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